Think Tank

Its been a long time since I wrote in here... some things I dont want to share with the whole world. Even if I only have two readers, there are things I dont want to talk about on here. Funny, isn't it, that the two readers are family. And I am not comfortable with them knowing all my darkest secrets and fears. It seems as though one reader doesnt want me to know the whole truth either... 
 Which brings me to another point - lack of ill will intent doesn't take away hurt feelings when it attacks one thing I cannot control. I do not eat bonbons sitting on my couch all day... I move... I eat well... Yet stress has made me FAT. Some people, like an aunt, get skinny. Some people get fat. Unfortunately I got that gene. Can I give it back? 

So the lack of ill will puts a barrier inbetween me and that person... I am hurt and therefore think that she will know this through osmosis. I suppose part of me thinks its not fair to be mad if she didnt mean it, but I am reminded of the evil sister comment, the pushing away when I am concerned, the not really getting to know ME... and yet ... I want to protect her from all that I have gone through when its not at its prettiest. 

Life isnt easy. Especially when people take advantage of you. I recently had a not-so-great experience... I now understand Russion Roulette and hurting oneself...the thoughts are never that far away. It was an unbelievable moment, where your rights are whisked away by the choices of another. How is that fair? Although, the question is like this: if I say I am going to run a red light, and you hit my gas pedal, does that mean you are to blame if I change my mind? Even if you didnt give me an opportunity to say so because there was no chance? I was unable to? Are you to blame? When I get this question answered, life may make sense. However if I was planning to run the red light, and you knew it, but then I changed my mind... does it make it my fault if you make me do it? Or are you to blame? I dont know. 

Like someone, I dont want to deal. I want to pack up and escape to the other side of the world. I want to change everything I do. But then I leave behind some of the things that are most precious to me... my fur kids. My home. My family. 

One more random thought... oh crap I forgot. Oh yes, listen to this conversation: 
"Are you single?" 
"No, I have a girlfriend." 
"So why are you chatting me up?" 
"Just because one has ordered doesnt mean they cant still browse the menu." 

Excuse me? Where do men get off thinking they can have their cake and eat it too? And how is it this sh ould be acceptable when I know in reverse I will be the sorry sucker who has been "ordered" but they are still browsing? 

Where did all the good men go? The ones that dont cave to their family, leave their wife without anything and then find someone else while she is still picking up the pieces. It's not my fault, I tried and would still try, except I was told he's done. 

Did you know that? So ... what can I do? 
At some point, I need to pick myself up and carry on. One cannot change the mind of another. One can only hope they grow together.

Thanks for the quiz, Emme... 

Not sure I completely agree either. 

So my sister came over last night, it was a nice change of pace. I want to get out more, see friends I havent seen in a long time but... 

It's so hard. 

I have no motivation, no INTEREST in getting myself out there. I want to meet people, find a guy to have fun with, see my old friends... etc... but I dont feel like it. I dont feel worthy, worth the effort of them, etc... I suck. 

Its interesting... I often find myself thinking about what wall I could smack my head off of, what I could use to put myself out of my misery... etc... Not necessarily SUICIDAL thoughts but maybe just a way to numb myself. 

So thats why I havent posted on here. I wonder why my sister and I have these problems. It doesnt make sense, and yet complete sense. Its not fair that two children of two get these problems. And yet perhaps it is fair because then we have each other. 

I dont know. I have company now so this post will have to wait.  

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Did I lose you? 

Thats ok, I am lost myself. Here I am, sitting on my butt, rivited by tv ... what tv? Oh ya, the Biggest Loser. Why? Because I am fascinated with this show. Here are people who weigh more than the average fat person. They bust their a$$es on this camp, and lose phenomenal amounts of weight each week. Part of me thinks, sure, if I had a personal trainer yelling at me every day, and I only had to work out 4 hours a day - no work, no household chores, no distractions, and best of all, someone else buys the good food you need to eat. 
Sounds easy, right? 
Sure. 
Do I have the guts to go through something like that, stand on a scale in front of millions in barely a bra and shorts? 
Nope. 
Do I have as much to go through as some of those people? 
Nope. 
So why cant I do the same at home? 
Because I am lazy. Because its easier watching someone else do it. 

That being said, Abby and I busted our hump on a walk tonite, keeping a brisk pace. She is walking awesome on a leash, and has mounds more energy than I do. (LOL) (see pic above to see Abby). oh and that was after her run time in the park. However I feel GREAT after putting forth the effort of going for the walk, and then completing it. Oh and my ankles stood up to the challenge. THAT was great, considering I twisted one just the other day. 

So maybe, one day, I might be the biggest (weight) loser.

*chuckles* 

So here we are again, its Sunday Night. Work again tomorrow. 
So last night, I was heading down the stairs outside here, and my foot gave on the bottom step. Down I go, smack my head on the railing, back on the stairs, knee twists and ankle throbs. Oh yay. Here we go again. So I am suffering again hehehe... cant wait to see the chiropractor tomorrow to start to fix what I have done. It is so frustrating!! If only being off these meds would allow this damned weight come down - after all its the meds that put it on me in the first place! 
Anyone know anybody who does lypo? 

Anyways, I have to organize my life for the next week and figure out what I have to do........ Apparently my sister is getting married in 13 days (LOL) and I am NOT ready! (wonder if she would consider postponing hahahahaha) 
That was a joke. 

Okeydokey CIAO for now.  

Sunday nite. Crappiest nite of the week, simply because it means that I have to go to work the next day. And it begins another week of stress and hard work to be thanked with... well... with not really anything. I suppose it goes with the working world, but sometimes it would be nice to know that you are part of something, creating a business for someone, since we work for them and they work for themselves. Make sense? We are what puts the food on their tables... but I guess I cant think of any "assistant" that gets paid for what they are truly worth, when the "boss" would be half of what they are or less without us. Doctors without receptionists or nurses... dentists without dental people and receptionists...  property owners without their superintendents... the list goes on and on. 

Anyways, the shower was yesterday. I was happy that things went off without a hitch, being the first male/female shower I was at, never mind gave. Most of the stuff was fly from the seat of my pants but dont tell people that! We had a good group, lots of food, some laughs and presents. I think that qualifies for a good day. :) 

That being said... the wedding is next... then a few short weeks after that, we are moving -- if all goes well this week. I think it will, but who knows what will come up between now and then. 

I hate this place where I am now, I have so much junk in here, stuff I want, stuff I cant get rid of, stuff I dont want... I have to go through it all again to par down to what is really important. I have thrown away so much in the last few months, yet it doesnt even compare to where I would like to be. I have lived in a hotel room for 2 1/2 months and had virtually nothing - a week's worth of clothes, a couple of books and a few odds and ends. It was wonderful to feel that free - I wish at times my life was that simple but we have so much that we keep for the sake of others or "just because". But at the same time, how do you get rid of special books from when you were a child? Clothes that you like but cant wear right now? pictures that remind you of when you were younger and the different stages you went through? Its so hard to just par it all down to nothing, because then, I think we establish ourselves as nothing, when in fact our possessions really arent what defines us. Not really, anyways. Its a superficial way to look at people and things. 
Take my neighbours for example - they have a few pieces of nice furniture, some that is not so nice, and the essentials. Does that make us think less of them? No. Just because they dont have a brand new living room set, doesnt mean they are any less, in fact I give them more credit for acknowledging what they need as opposed to what they want. (Mind you, then they go out and buy a bedroom set that is too big for their room, and one that they cant really afford. so...... looks like the green bug bit them too.) 

A lot of rambling going on here, guess I was just trying to express my thoughts for a post. 

Hope you were entertained for even a few minutes. 

Have I mentioned lately I cant wait to be back in school to finish up my last semester????????  

"The shower is only a couple of days away. Do you know what you are bringing for food?" 

Um. Yes. I do. But, really, its none of your business. 
Dont we all love people who tell us how to run our own events however they cant be bothered to involve others when its reversed? Oh no, cuz that would mean they arent totally in charge of their own event. 
Mothers. 

ANyways... I get a call tonite... 
- what are you feeding people? 
- do you have cups? 
- dont forget to have your own water 
- dont forget table clothes... 
- shall i bring a Rod Stewart Cd? 

Wait. What? Are we all dead? Rod Stewart? 
"Does Emily like Rod Stewart?" 
"oh yes. She would like it. Shall I bring it?" 

Who wants to bet no one asked Emily? 

Anyways. there's your chuckle for the day. 
Oh and the devil and her husband are arriving this weekend for another shower. Oh joy. 
Let the good times roll. 

Steph

Can't sleep? Get Sleepees at Wholesale! 

ya... thats the ad next to my entry box here, and its annoying me. So many other ways to get "sleepees"... exercise... eat... do nothing... who knows. Well, to those who have more money than brains... or medicare lol 

So I was reading my sister's entry and I feel her enthusiasm for school. I saw crossing guards this morning just happy to cross someone, so they crossed ADULTS ... got a chuckle out of that until they stopped traffic to do that. GRRR 

I wish I was back in school. I really do. No more working for some lawyer who thinks she's the shiz. No more dealing with OLD LAW CLERKS who have NO EDUCATION and should just retire and go away... just cuz you have done something for 20 years doesnt mean that you know everything. The law changes. Things evolve. Continuing records are DIFFERENT now than they were 3 years ago. So get out of the mold and stop telling me what to type on my own damn requisition letter! 

Yes. I am annoyed. 

Can't wait to go back to school and finish up the course. Wish I had some reason to go back again after that, and perhaps win the lottery and then be a Lawyer/high-paid, do-nothing professional with little office slaves to yell at and tell them one thing and turn around and say no, I didnt say that. Do you hear yourself? Oh wait, its all me, I must be the dumbass. 

Oh, I think I need my happy pills back. Life isnt so good without them. 

I gave notice to my landlord too... it was a good letter... here:  I will amend for your entertainment:

HAND DELIVERED TO SUPERINTENDENT’S UNIT MAILBOX

 

Dear XXX (on behalf of “<enter name of owner here>”),

 

RE:     Unit XX of XXX LXXXXXXXe Road.

          Termination of Tenancy

 

Further to our telephone conversation of September 3, 2007, I would like to submit in writing our intention of terminating our lease effective November 1^st, 2007 as discussed and accepted this morning.  

 

Please receive this letter as 60 days notice of vacating our unit.

 

CARPETING

We have made several complaints in person regarding the condition of the carpeting in the unit and no efforts to resolve our issues have been made. Verbally, it has been admitted by staff and other residents that there had been multiple dogs in our unit before and that the carpet and unit was subject to damage. It is also noted in the lease if a pet causes stains or odors in the carpet, then the tenant is responsible to pay for the cost of replacing the carpet. Unfortunately, this was not done, and we noted that each time we viewed the unit prior to possession, the floors were freshly washed with strong cleaners and we feel it was to mask any odors left from the previous tenant.

 

MOLD

We have also made several complaints, both in writing and in person regarding the mold and mildew condition of the unit. We have offered pictures of the mold on the exterior wall of our storage room (under the interior concrete barrier wall), access to the unit and information provided by public health. Upon moving in, we had notified maintenance there was mold growing in the unit, and nothing was done to stop the problem nor were the promised cleaners and paint utilized on the walls. On August 20^th we had submitted a letter of concern and complaint requesting repairs and the owner of the building has not made any attempts to view the damage to our belongings or to the unit.

 

We were informed that the property owner was on vacation at that time, however his next-in-charge would be present to view and assess the damages and repair required. This did not occur, however the next-in-charge, namely “Jamie”, was seen onsite a number of times to show the units for potential tenants and to supervise work onsite during that week.

 

We have experienced symptoms corresponding to mold allergies since June, and are still being affected by it. We have had complaints by friends and family that our unit stinks like mold, mildew and that the carpeting smells. There are stains that will not go away.

 

We have also lost over a THOUSAND dollars in damaged property from lack of repairs. Please be aware that we are NOT able to use our storage room at this time, but are still expected to pay rent for lost footage.

 

In addition, please be aware there are firearms onsite. While these are licensed and insured, your lack of response to these issues could potentially and may potentially cause a very serious issue to us and to other tenants as a climate of humidity can cause and has caused rust to occur in dry places and can cause ammunition to activate. We have done everything within our power to minimize this possibility, however due to the constant condensation, mold, and humidity in the air, we are forced to find suitable living arrangements before these heirlooms, collectables and valuables are destroyed or are caused to be destroyed by way of implosion because of the lack of repair.

 

REASONABLE ENJOYMENT, SERVICES & DIRECTION RE: FUNDS

We feel that our reasonable enjoyment of the unit has been interfered with significantly by the construction and renovations being performed on the unit above ours. We have been inconvenienced by work starting from 7 a.m. in the morning, Monday through Saturday and statutory holidays, rude workers who told us where “to stick it” when asked when their boss would arrive, among other issues. Had this been an isolated incident, or perhaps one that lasted only a couple of weeks, this may be tolerable, however when experienced on a daily basis for over a month, this becomes an annoyance and creates issues when we work nights therefore making sleep impossible during the day.

We have not received a formal introduction to the new owners, no way to contact them, and no formal announcement who to direct rent to. We have not signed an assignment of lease, and most of all, did not receive any compensation or warning that services rendered by the previous owner would be removed.  Case in point: we waited 4 weeks to have our grass cut. Upon inquiring, we were informed we were no longer “entitled” to having our grass cut and that we were responsible for that service.

 

There were many reasons as to why we liked the looks of the complex and enjoyed the maintenance and efforts of the previous owner. Since the purchase by “<enter name of owner here>”, it has been a miserable experience, as it was the last time we rented from the same owner. Had we known it would be the same owner renting to us, we would NOT have agreed to rent here.

 

FURTHER COMMUNICATIONS

We are expecting and requesting the following:

1)                 Effective immediately, all access to our unit MUST have written 24 hours notice prior to access as your actions have deemed our issues to be a non-emergency. 

2)                  Effective immediately, all correspondence and responses addressed to our unit, tenants and guests of #<enter address here>(in specific) must be in writing, on company letterhead, and without the term “Without Prejudice”.

a.     If any correspondence is received without letterhead, then it will be deemed as informational only, will not be received as a legal notice and does not replace any legal notices.

b.     If any correspondence dictates “Without Prejudice”, it will be received as informational only and will not be received as or replace the requirement of any legal notices.

3)                 We no longer authorize <enter name of complex here>, "<enter name of owner here>", any representative, solicitor, employee or any agent acting on behalf of the above-mentioned parties to contact any previous references, employers or any credit bureau or credit collecting groups, agents, associations or likewise in regards to our personal credit information or credit history or likewise (with the exception of public knowledge information that is accessible by the public) effective immediately.

4)                 Application of our last month’s rent will be used towards rent paid for October rent.

5)                 All receipts of paid rent shall be received no later than October 5th, representing rent paid from the beginning of our tenancy. This request is further detailed in the Residential Tenancies Act, S.O. 2006.

 

Please govern yourselves accordingly.

 

  


Hehehe..... one of the best parts of being a law clerk is being able to use "govern yourselves accordingly". Second best? Oh ya, that would be when the super calls you at 1030 at night and you hear "YOU HAVE FIREARMS? WHO HAS GUNS?" 

Ya, lady, dont piss me off. 

Hehehe... surprising how fast she reacted when we told her we had "guns". 


Anyways...... that's tonite's entry. 

Later.

 

My cable box doesnt work. 

No tv for me.  

So finally I have a mutual friend, and apparently a reader too. I was talking with a friend who is thinking of taking writing courses and I thought, What a great idea! Now, all I need is .... 
...money... 
Huh. 
Who's bright idea was it to try to buy a house?!?! hehe 
Oh wait, mine. 

So today's post is called "To Do List": 
1. Read Condo Corp Certificate (yay its done!) 
2. organize papers pertaining to purchase
3. remember the rest of this list. 
4. oh wait, go to bed. LOL 

So here's a question for my ghost readers: 
Your friend is invited to a surprise party for a birthday. She isnt told if she can bring anyone, but she wants you to go. She asks if you can. It seems ok, but there was hesitation about it. Your friend really wants you to go, and you want to wish the same  to the person who's birthday it is. Do you go? 

More on this later.

So here I am again, with one of these memberships.... its been a while since the last time I set one of these up and now I forget the password or even the username. I am watching Criminal Minds and just saw one of the characters writing in his laptop.
It reminds me of when I was younger, and all I wanted to do what write. I would write anything and everything that came to mind, and makes me think perhaps my diligence with pen and paper may have influenced my sister in her desire and drive to write as well. However, the older I get, the more I want to write and have nothing to say. I feel that anything I put on paper is not quite worth the paper its on, I will start and it turns to a doodle and thats as far as I get. I wanted a computer, a laptop, and I thought then things would just flow out of my hands and on to the screen.
Well, certainly i can type now, but thats as far as I can get.
LOL.
I dont want this to sound like a pity party, but instead perhaps a gateway to my hands creating stories again. ALl at the same time, makes me think that writing was an escape - a way to find another reality and escape the one I was in. Back then, anything felt better than the one I was living in. I cant say that I was wrong, my childhood was not a happy experience for me, but the older I am getting I realize more and more that it is more than just simple reasons I once thought.
I wonder, at times, if my writing was my counselling, and how it seems that when you write you have to face yourself. I know that its a complete contradiction to what I about finding an alternate realty,but while you are in that other world, you find parts of yourself that you have to deal with. I am a firm believer that you are what you write. Stephen King - well it seems as though he really has issues! LOL Ideas for movies, stories, etc come from something, never nothing. There has to be a spark of imagery that you have seen, felt, thought, experienced... etc... for it to be realistic enough to have others read it. Again, the reader has to be aware of something existing before they can enjoy the words, otherwise there is no connection, no relationship between the reader and the writer, and you dont read something you dont connect to in some manner unless it was assigned reading!

So the interesting part of all of this is... who here will read what I say? Who here will find this little posting and actually reply? Or is this just another example of missing cyber space crap that no one will ever know about except the creator.

DecemberLily